Mr. Saul on How To Be A Father

super-8 film, 5 minutes, 2007

This film was presented live at the Saskatchewan Filmpool premier screening in the spring of 2007. It is the fifth Mr. Saul's Utopia film.


Greetings. My name is Mr. Saul. Thank you for joining me this evening for my recitation on how to be a father.
I have found that, in my experience as a father, that other fathers, or similar gentlemen who are considering entering into the role of father, do not solicit the advice of the experienced father to guide them through this noble exercise. As an experienced father and , dare I say, a respected pillar of the community, I find myself the custodian of knowledge that, in fairness to the entirety of society, it is my responsibility to share.

Those of you who are, or may someday be, a father, take note. Others, I must ask you to refrain from listening until my pontification is complete. Please cover your ears and affix your eyes to the movie screen and the super-8 image thereupon. Within it, you will follow my summer journey to Lethbridge Alberta and see vistas that may convince you that you have actually seen mountains yourself. Avoid such delusions, they are unhealthy and will lead you to a life of deviancy. Instead, pay close attention to the clothing that my son William is wearing as there will be a quiz following the showing of this movie.

How to be a father.

Rule number one: be perfect.
Your son requires a role model. If you have a daughter, make sure that your wife is equally perfect.
As you will want your son to be a successful breadwinner, you must remember that Spiderman is not an appropriate role model. He may seem the hero, but with no pockets in his costume, where does he expect to keep his money?

Rule number two: insulate your son or your daughter from all inappropriate influences. Music, television, and other children can only lead the malleable will of the child astray.

Rule number three: do not, through action or inaction, allow your son or your daughter, to fall onto his or, respectably, her head. This will result in a distracting amount of crying and an inconvenient sojourn to a medical establishment. However, if you have been following the first rule, the perfection requirement, then rule three should never apply.
Your son or daughter should read from a book you have chosen for him or her. If your day has not been too strenuous, you may allow the child to read aloud so that you may correct his enunciation.
By following this simple pattern, you too can raise a perfect family.

Many of you certainly are asking, what is a day like in the household of Mister and Missus Saul? On this topic I will enlighten you. Breakfast begins with a soft boiled egg. Only the yolk needs to be consumed, the remainder should be discarded in a timely fashion. Children are then to don their cardigans and leave for school at 8:54. This will allow them to arrive 15 seconds before the bell is to ring and will remove the possibility of undue fraternization on the school grounds. This scheduling can easily be planned by setting of alarm clocks throughout the house. In my experience, children prefer to follow clocks than to be led astray by unpredictable influences such as “moods”. I once overheard a child speaking as he passed by our house on his own way to school, saying that he “didn’t feel like going” that day. I immediately took that child back to his father and gave them both a stern talking to. If that father is here this evening, and you know who you are Mr. Johnson, then perhaps this discussion will help you clarify the situation and aid you in achieving step one.
On the return home at the end of the day, you will find your house and your children clean and the suppertime meal waiting. After the meal, it is appropriate for you to relax and remove your shoes.
Once your wife has put the child or children to bed, you can finally take a well deserved nap before watching the evening news.